Thoughts

"A day in the Life of Dan" a movie with that Steve guy that played in the "40 year Old Virgin". Wow. I didn't expect much...got comedy, and laughs, and tears...and Wow...I just didn't expect to enjoy the movie so much it was great.

Last week while we were preparing to go to Corpus Christi, I was checking the Local paper for stuff to do..and I did what I usually do and went to Obits...after all, I know a lot of people working in that area, and lived there for over two years. Shock, Shock, Shock....my ex...the drunk, druggie, stalker extradnair...my nightmare...my "look over your shoulder at all times", the reason for the scar on my face...the reason I cannot ever trust a man totally,.... well his luck ran out. What do you feel when somebody you thought you loved, somebody who made you feel so deeply, fear so deeply, and changed the way you felt about everything...forever...is gone.

Relief. Number one, to my shame, I felt relief. Relief from the fear of him finding me. Relief from my past sins, relief from the pain that never went away. Now when I look in the mirror and see the scar, maybe I won't see a man saying "It's Ok, no one will ever notice, after all you are getting wrinkles, it will just fade into the wrinkles and no one will ever know. After all, you KNOW I love you". Well after finally getting off the Merry-go-round and fleeing..first to my Son's (well, guess what...not a surprise...he found me), then to an agency job (guess what, found me again...thank you MSN for keeping my privacy), then landing in a South Texas town where I knew no body with 67 cents in my pocket and a new job, with 2 weeks to payday (sorry Abby, my poor pup who had to eat can beans with me).

Well guess what, he found me again. When my wrist was sprained from him twisting the phone out of my hand because I was calling 911...he took off with my truck keys, my debit card, all my cash, and my credentials that I had to have for my job. The cops picked him up...and wanted to release him...because, after all he was just drunk...and couldn't he just stay with me until he sobered up. "Well, Hell No Officer, He is not my husband, I am not married to him, and he assualted me"...well all that meant nothing in this county, after all that is a common problem in the hispanic community...just same-oh-same-o. The only reason that arrested him "Officer, as I understand it, interferring with a 911 call is illegal, actually a felony?". Well Ms. Gingerjar, please explain how he interferred...Well he forced his way into my apartment and placed my wireless phone in the commode, then he bent my hand backwards (at that time I did not realize I had a real injury), breaking my cell phone....I screamed for somebody just pulling up in the parking lot to call 911. Well, Ms. Gingerjar, were you in fact trying to call 911 at the time of the incident.... Mr. Officer, if you will look at my face where I was struck and my flip phone which is lying in two pieces you could notice I was not wanting him here. Well Ms. Gingerjar...is there anything else you would like to add??? Yes, Mr. Officer, I have a disc with copies of phones where he beat the hell out of me...which is why I moved to this fine town in the middle of nowhere, and JUST HOW DO YOU THINK I ...A PLAIN OLD CITIZEN KNOWS THAT IT IS A FELONY TO INTERFER WITH A 911 CALL???" So Ms. Gingerjar, you are saying you wish him to be arrested and you will press charges. Yes, Mr. Officer, where do I sign???

The next day he was released on bond (without me being notified) and he caught a bus back to Corpus. I kept calling the arresting officer and was told I didn't have to do anything, since I was assaulted, the DA would automatically pick up the case, I did not have to call, go to court, or be involved (in other words...leaves us the fuck alone and quite calling). Guess what, THE JUDGE dropped the case. He did not have to appear in court. NO BODY asked me about the harm done to me. He was not my husband, he was not my boyfriend. Because we had "co-habitated" I had no rights. If he had been a stranger and assaulted me he would have went to jail, because I "knew" him...I had no rights. I felt that the system had raped me...more than he had...raped me and beaten me down. I was afraid to even go to see my son, or my grandson, I went no where. I stayed home, with my phones off and my cell off...with him calling the apartment complex office up to 50 times a day demanding that I call him back, filling my cell phone voice mail with all the calls it would hold, I couldn't even turn it on. The man was bipolar...He would threaten me "I'll kill you, no body will do anything, they know I have papers, I'll kill you and throw you in the lake or the river...NO BODY CARES. The cops and the legal system proved to me he was right, I had no rights... I was just a woman. Defenseless. Useless. Piece of trash. A throw-a-way babe.

So now he is dead. Roll over accident, drunk driving (go figure) and what do I feel? Sad. His mother has lost two children in two years, both alcohol related. Me. Elated, guilty as charged, not "glad he is dead", but glad that he can no longer ... ever....ever...ever hurt me again. My nightmare is gone.

How may other women live with the nightmare? I don't know, but for me the storm is over and the grass smells freshest after the rain.