Friday 13th, full harvest moon....

Had busy shift. Not as Cray Cray as I expected...

I did have a patient that I have seen before. He was an inmate. In for OD on unknown substance. Standard workup:::call poison control, take recommendations, review medications listed yada yada yada...only difference is that in addition this dude is a "cutter". His cutting is a part of his psychiatric illness...that apparently is not under control with his current medications. He has used a razor blade fairly creatively on his chest, upper abdomen, both thighs and up and down his left calf. None of the injuries are life threatening, none require any real I intervention except cleansing. He is apparently a long time cutter judging from the various stages of healing cuts from his feet, to his neck.

Now, I do have some psychiatric nurse training having worked at a psychiatric facility I do have some personal experience with a friend who was also a "cutter". My friend "K" had experienced horrific sexual child abuse at the hands of her father, since the age of 5. When I was close to her, many years ago, she had been going to therapy and getting her past behind her. She had been hospitalized at one point, and discharged and all was better., or so everyone thought. One day, I don't remember the exact details, but I noticed some cuts on her. We spent a lot of time together, going to the pool and to karate lessons and such. I had noticed her limping. She admitted to me that she had been "cutting" again. Well, I was quite the dumb-ass, and did not even realize that was a "thing". So she explained to me that when "things" got too hard to handle, her memories, the trauma, something could bring it back, and she would take a razor blade and literally slice off the soles o f her feet. Additionally, she would start cutting on her thighs or upper arms, where it could not be seen under her uniform. I was at a loss as to why or how anyone could torture themselves this way. I was not in the medical field, and to say the least I was a dumb ass...but I did care. I asked her to explain how this helped her. She told me that by focusing on the pain of the cuts she could close out everything and everybody that was causing her pain in her life. That focusing on the current pain , negated all the other pain she had in her heart. Well, I thought that was pretty fked up, and I suggested that maybe she needed to call her counselor because I was pretty sure cutting the soles off your feet was not in her recovery plan,.,.Fast Forward a few weeks later...and I get a bizarre call from her telling me she was going to kill herself by slicing her wrists with a knife. She sounds very strange. I made her promise me she would not harm herself. She kept telling me she was seeing her counselor the next day. I made her promise me to put all the knives away …. right now...and told her I would call her counselor to confirm her appointment. (at the time I had children in school and lived 15 miles from her). She said "ok" in a very child-like voice. I called her clinic (Lord even knows how I knew who to call, and they told me everything was confidential and they could not tell me if she had an appointment.) I demanded that I talk to a counselor and I told them that if someone did not call my friend RIGHT NOW... that she was going to commit suicide. I gave them her number and hung up. I then called my friends husband. This SCARED  the shit out of me...how was he going to react. He was a VERY HIGH UP in the chain of COMMAND where I worked. I COULD EVEN LOSE MY JOB! I told him he needed to go home RIGHT NOW! IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!!!! That if he did not lock up his knives he would not have a wife to go home to tomorrow.

Well, he did go home. The counselors did call. My friend went to what she called "The Farm" for about 6 weeks. While she was gone, she made me a ceramic egg, with a crack and gave it to me when she returned. After her visit to "The Farm" she did not have much to do with me. Never called. Did not meet me at the pool. I became an unwanted friend. I literally lost the best friend I ever in my life had, because I tried to save her. That was over 30 years ago. I still have dreams about my friend. I still have dreams where we are holding hands and walking and talking together. The last time I spoke to her, around 8 years ago, I asked her if she remembered calling me, and she said she remembered nothing at all about the events surrounding her going to "The Farm", but that it changed her life.

Now, back to my patient. After he was awake, alert and going back to his unit. I told him "Ok, this is none of my business, but I know If I am pissed off about something, the last thing in the world I would do is cut myself, cause that crap freaking hurts!". He actually made eye contact (a biggie) and said "well, you just ask God to take away the pain, and it don't hurt no more".  So I say "You believe in God?". He says "Yeah". I said "So, I am stepping on my soap box right now, and I want you to hear me out. (he nodded his head yes, so I continued) I ain't no expert or anything, but in my opinion we all have a job that God wants us to do...do you have kids (he says yes).  Do you have family (yes), where are there (he says Gainsville). " I said "well that is a far piece from here, so it's probably pretty hard for them to come visit very often, but that is not to say that they don't love you", he hung his hed down, "I believe that every person born on this earth has at least one job that they are destined to do,,,it may not be much, it may just be a kind act or telling somebody about God, or a kind word, that changes someone else's life...I have always felt that we have a job in God's plan....and if we choose to commit suicide, that we leave this earth with our job unfinished, we have not completed God's plan for us. " "I think that God has a plan for you, and I don't think that you have fulfilled that plan yet, do you?" He looked at me and said "no, I think you may be onto something there." At that point I mimicked stepping off a platform and said "I am stepping off my soap box right now. Please, just think about what I said.". He said "I respect that, I like how you said that. I will think on it".

So, weather I have made a difference in his life or not, time will tell, but I came home thinking that , for a moment in time, I have touched someone in a way that is meaningful.

It was a Full Moon that actually DID NOT SUCK!

So my dear sweet hubby pointed out to me Saturday night that it was a full moon Saturday night, which was sure to indicate some craziness going on in the ER. I nay-sayed him, made the sign of the cross, knocked on wood, searched for some holy water and got dressed for work. I neatly braided my hair, I did the little cute twist braid for my still growing out bangs, I even dashed on some lipstick and mascara, all in hopes that the night would go well. Got to work, remembered I forgot to apply perfume or put on earrings, but I am not there to be beautiful...so whatever! So I start out with naked ears, thankful that my deodorant is "fresh apple scent".

I walk into the unit, and discover that I am blessed with the trauma bay (again) because I am working with two LVN's (absolutely well seasoned and a blessing to work with...except because they are LVN's still pending to take the boards for RN, that means there is extra work for the RN, because there are several duties not allowed to be designated to the LVN), but that is neither here nor there, because we call this two gal's "the twins"...they look nothing alike, but are best friends, and one or the other is always there to help when things get hairy.

So I take report, go and transfer pt in bed 1 to where-ever the heck he was going. And.....don't remember the rest of the story.....

Today was a good day.

So today I did some happy things. To the pond...for Layla to chase balls. Good cooking....smoked turkey and carny gustada…, yummy.

To the bar for a couple of beers. "Haybarn" ….pretty fun.  The best part...My son came for a while to pick up the pico I made for him...One step at t time. Maybe my life is going to be better, and I won't need to find a strong oak branch??

The Auction

ACK! Slept until almost two pm....and I didn't even work last night! Just got hit with that summer time heat wave type of laziness.

Yesterday, we went to Goliad, Tx to an old-time house auction. It was mostly equipment. They were auctioning off the life-time of a couple, the mister had died, don't know if missus was sent to a nursing home or merely was selling to move closer to kids. The place was beautiful. Huge beautifully maintained home, yard, outbuildings and probably about 100 acres of mature trees and hay fields. I heard that the place sold for 2 and 1/2 million dollars....I can't even fathom that much money!

 I suspect the mister was ex-military, in that every nut and bolt was pretty much categorized, and in a container with listings of what was in the container.... literally hundreds of small containers. Old coffee can's all painted gray with white lettering, neatly organized. HUGE workshop ...and I do mean HUGE, you could have put 4-6 gigantic tractors in there and still have room to work around then! There was also what looked to be a fairly new addition to the side that even had a pully system so a motor could be lifted out to work on. The entire thing looked pretty professional. I wish Dave could be so organized...we spend hours looking for stuff, just to find it where we over-looked it the first time!

In the house everything is prestine. One reason I think the missus is probably still alive is that there are no personal photo's or anything personal except some old clothing and shoes in the ladies closet. She was quite a sewer. There are finished stuffed animals and things here and there. Her sewing room, well it's about as organized as mine, with draws stuffed with odds and ends. There is no fabric stashes and no sewing machine. That tells me, as a seamstress and a hoarder of all things fabric, that the lady is alive and well and stuffing more animals for grandchildren somewhere.

The auctioneer was trying to whip up a buying frenzy, which was going quite well, seeing as it was over 100 degrees in the correlated steel workshop. People were paying new prices for old stuff....shop fans, ladders, you name it...this dude had two of everything, just in case the first one failed!

There was a little old lady there that was bent over with arthritis. She was leaning against a work-table and looked ready to collapse. She was just watching everything. I struck up a conversation. Within in 30 minutes I had pretty much her medical history, knew her daughter  could sew up anything without a pattern, her only son had died in a helicopter crash, she gave me a cookie receipe …..she was quite charming and lonely. I never saw one person come in to check on her....she was probably around 80 years old. My hubby was fetching some water from the cooler, he gave her a bottle and she was so surprised! I eventually had to wonder away, because the heat was getting to me...but she was still there even when we finally left. The only thing I bid on was a garden tractor wagon....that had an extended tongue welded on, perfect for me cleaning the yard! I felt like a winner though, because I got to meet someone and hear their story....it was really a great day.

today....the 8th of June. Well seems like I have been absent from the blog-o-sphere for 4-freaking ever. LOL. So much has happened. I read my old blogs and wonder who in the hell I was way back when. My puppy love Abby has been dead now for 6 or  7 hears and I still can't say her name without tearing up. Izzy is so old her muzzle is grey, she has bad breath, bad teeth, is deaf , almost blind and asthmatic...we expect to find her cold any day now....We have a 3 year old lab named Layla who I love soooo much, she loves me too, gets in bed to just lay by me in the mornings. We have changed everything in our lives in the last year. Moved to close to Beeville, old Farm house, 10 acres, a pond, privacy .... close to my son Ben and my daughter in Law Beth. Chance, my oldest grandson, just graduated the Naval academy and is in Advanced training.


So yes, I have been despondent, almost to the point of suicidal. I have cried and prayed and cried and prayed, then prayed some more. nothing seems to change, and my mood has not improved much. We were at the pond today, and Dave wanted to know why I was weepy and sad....how can I tell him, it's just the family stuff.

Anyhow , I am off this weekend, and hopefully things will turn around. I have been sad for so long. I have lost weight and I don't feel like doing much except sleeping. Sometimes I wish that I would just never wake up. Life is just too hard. I am so tired of trying to please everyone in this damned world. I am tired of people talking bad about me, patients who curse me, patient's who hurt me...I have not had a pain free day in over 2 months...thank you miss overdose cutie who fucked my shoulder up beyond all belief. I am tired of taking pain meds, muscle relaxers and using rubs and heat on my shoulder to no avail. I hurt day and night...I am so freaking tired of the pain~.. AND yest I am depressed. I am 61 and it seems like no one gives a flying fk if I am alive or dead .... except when it makes them feel better

pity party ove.r